365

Until one is committed

There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back
Always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation)
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one’s favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material substance
Which no one could have dreamt
Would have come your way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

–JW von Goethe

One year ago today I began the biggest adventure of my life. I quit my job and set out to find my passion and purpose in life. The past 365 days have sped by but it seems a lifetime ago that I walked out of that office for the very last time, both exhilarated and apprehensive. I gave myself a year to figure out what I wanted. A year to decide what came next. A year to dream, to experiment, to relax and recover. And when that year came to a close, I would know where I was going, what I wanted and who I was. And I would rejoin the world of the working masses.

But things rarely work out as we plan, and as my year does indeed draw to a close I have realised that there isn’t that one moment of clarity, when it all comes together and we know exactly who we are and what we want. We never figure it all out and then get on with doing it. We’re never not afraid. We’re never 100% sure of where we’re going. We just set off and, eventually, there we are. And, if we hope to follow our dreams and create a life where our work and our passions are one, then we never rejoin the world of the working masses but rather our lives become our work. My life’s work is now to be the very best, most creative version of me that I can be. I have discovered a huge swell of creativity within me, but I’ve also discovered how fragile and capricious that creativity can be. There is a daily practice of making room for creativity. A practice of allowing oneself to relax into uncertainty, of allowing space, so that something beyond oneself may enter. A practice that seems like a good way to live life generally.

In this year, I’ve had to learn over and over again how to deal with uncertainty. And I’ve become accustomed to it. I say accustomed, because I haven’t yet been able to become comfortable with it. My entire adult life I have always chosen busyness, perfectionism and workaholism over uncertainty. I’ve blocked it out, stuffing my life to bursting point so that there need be no moments of doubt. I freak out when there is space for change. I worry that I’ll end up penniless and alone, choosing bleak certainty over the unknown. In my moments of imagining what the future might hold for me, I’m often alone in the nursing home, looking vaguely like one of the grandparents out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, eating cabbage soup and clutching a hot water bottle, one eye on the misty grey waves washing onto the beach and one eye watching the damp wallpaper peel from the wall. I am a drama queen after all, and my fears are as melodramatic as my dreams.

Creating space and allowing uncertainty still does not come easily, but I have begun to understand its importance, which is somewhere to begin. What this year has taught me most effectively is the enormous power of decision. If I wish to avoid the bleak future of my nightmares I need only decide that it will not be so. We are not powerless victims of our fates. We shape and choose our lives with our thoughts and attitudes. Our world is largely as we believe it to be. We can numb ourselves so that we may live out our unfulfilling lives without much discomfort. Or we can employ the full power of our attention and our decision. And it is a daily practice. It is work that is never done. We never “get there” but, in return we get to be always present, always aware, always awake.

In the next few weeks this site is going to be changing to more closely fit my “decision” to begin selling my photographic work and presenting myself as an artist and creative professional. One year ago I had the most powerful decisive moment of my life. It changed everything. It has taken me places I didn’t believe I could go and it has shown me that there is still so much more to come. It has shown me that my dreams and my beliefs are incredibly powerful and that I must start to dream more for myself than a lousy seaside nursing home.

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