Unless I intend to pop my clogs at the ripe old age of 64, I’m not middle aged. But there are times when I do wonder if I’m having a midlife crisis. Is the desire to chuck it all in and change direction just the drama queen’s version of a red Ferrari and a nineteen year old Eastern European lingerie model? Is it really true that no one likes their job and I just need to “grow up” and “stop daydreaming”?
Who knows. All I know is this: I’ve spent far too long doing something that not only doesn’t make me happy, but actually strips away layers of who I am. And this seems like an appropriate time to reassess.
There are so many troubling things happening in our world and, for me at least, the creeping suspicion that even if I can’t actively do something about them (and I’m not sure that’s true), by drifting along in this fog of exhausted overconsumption I am, in fact, part of the problem.
And for me personally it seems like a good time to reflect. I’ve been successful at a “real job,” as people so often put it, and it’s left me empty. It’s given me financial stability, something lacking in the early years of my adulthood and the reason I chose it, but it has come at a very high cost. I haven’t dreamt properly in at least five years. I have permanent bags under my eyes that disappear at the end of a relaxing holiday, only to annoyingly reappear the second day back in the office, at the same time as my tan disappears. I’ve stood on the tube and daydreamed about stabbing the person behind me who is resting their free newspaper on the back of my head. I’ve tried every single M&S ready meal. Not the Meals for One (that would be sad), always the two person sized meals. I’ve neglected my friends and (now ex) boyfriends, bouncing between busy and distracted and needy and demanding with alarming regularity.
But through all of this, a little voice deep down inside me would not be silenced. I spoke over her for a long time, asserting that “I love my job” with only a high pitched and breathless laugh to hint at my doubt. But I wanted someone to see through it. I wanted someone to shake me and say “This is not you. What are you doing?” But no one did. I didn’t understand that there was a voice saying precisely that every time I sat down at my desk and every time I stuffed my brain to breaking point with trivial and pointless information. All along the voice was there, I just couldn’t bring myself to listen. But Little Voice would not be silenced and continued to gibber at me, growing in volume and intensity all the time.
I still haven’t figured out exactly what she is trying to say, but I’ve learned enough to know that I need to pay attention to her. So this process is all about getting back to who I really am. About being that person all day long and not just in my “free” time. About refusing to do something which demands I be someone else during the working day. Maybe I’ll get to the end of it all and realise that the sleep deprived, murderous, two-person ready meal guzzler was the real me after all, but I doubt it somehow.
So I’m taking some time off, to find myself again, as it were. And if that constitutes a midlife crisis then so be it. I have to believe it’s less ridiculous than a comb-over and a penis car. But if anyone knows a nineteen year old Eastern European underwear model, give him my number.
{ 2 comments }
Hi Nicola, happened to read about u at Esc the City and I like you to know that in many ways we are alike! I was a Fixed Income broker for 5 years before moving to Fixed Income sales in a bank, basically doing the same shite. Like you, I often wonder if this is it for me; is that all there is to life.. wake up, work, go home, watch tv and sleep. When its Monday i look forward to Friday and when weekend comes, i dread going back to work on Monday. The cycle continues for years, hating myself, hating the job, dunno what i wanna do in life, dunno what im good at and what my hobbies are … im only working for the $ to support my lifestyle and it becomes a vicious cycle until my life is dependent on the job which becomes almost impossible to walk out.
How did u manage to gather the courage to just quit w/o a job? I really admire u. =)
Hi Maggie – Thank you so much for being brave enough to put all of this out there. Just to let you know that I replied to you in my most recent post – click here to see it. Hope it helps. Hang in there and don’t get freaked out. Start to pay more attention to what you enjoy doing and go from there. Baby steps make it so much less overwhelming. Good luck. xxx
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