As you know, I haven’t been writing here for a long time. I’ve been finishing up my photography course and preparing to start a brand new career. I was considering whether I would wrap up the Drama Queen’s Guide blog and move on to a photo blog on my own website. Then I got this comment from Maggie on my very first DQG post.
“Hi Nicola, happened to read about u at Esc the City and I like you to know that in many ways we are alike! I was a Fixed Income broker for 5 years before moving to Fixed Income sales in a bank, basically doing the same shite. Like you, I often wonder if this is it for me; is that all there is to life.. wake up, work, go home, watch tv and sleep. When its Monday i look forward to Friday and when weekend comes, i dread going back to work on Monday. The cycle continues for years, hating myself, hating the job, dunno what i wanna do in life, dunno what im good at and what my hobbies are … im only working for the $ to support my lifestyle and it becomes a vicious cycle until my life is dependent on the job which becomes almost impossible to walk out.
How did u manage to gather the courage to just quit w/o a job? I really admire u. =)”
And it broke my heart. I could feel her terror in the pit of my stomach, in the flutter of my heart, in the spinning wheels of my brain. Because I’ve been there. But when I started to write a response, it wouldn’t come. I’ve talked and written about leaving my job so many times before but this time, for some reason, I couldn’t do it. Everything I wrote sounded fake and sanctimonious. Because the truth is, right now I’m terrified too. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the flutter of my heart and in the spinning wheels of my brain. I feel it tempting me to step backwards, not realising that there really are no backwards steps.
I can’t give advice about not being scared because I haven’t managed it. What I have managed over the course of the past couple of years, however, is to be a little kinder to myself about being scared. So, instead of writing to Maggie, I wrote to myself. What did I need to hear? What would I say to myself if I could go back in time and speak to the me that was so scared to leave her city career? And what would I say to myself now? Here’s what I wrote. I hope it is of some comfort to you Maggie, and to anyone else feeling afraid today.
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Fear never goes away. You can’t run from it, you can’t hide from it, and the really bad news is that even action does not kill it. You will always be afraid of the unknown, of the things you haven’t done, the things you haven’t experienced. And as broad and exciting as this life is, there wil always be uncharted territory, so there will always be fear. But it does not have to wrap its icy fingers around your heart. Learn to recognise it, to love it even, because it is showing you the way to expand, to become who you are supposed to be. Fear can be a guiding light in the dark places.
I believe in you. I believe in your expansion, in your growth. Because that is the nature of all things and you are a part of nature. We expand and we contract, we inhale and we exhale. There is always movement, always change. Nothing stands still forever. However much you want things to remain the same, they can’t, and so much the better. My story will not show you the way. You are already being shown the way. Fear is a part of that. So is excitement, joy, love, loss and suffering. There are no mistakes, you can’t get it wrong. There is only life, only expansion and contraction, inhalation and exhalation.
So you can act now or you can wait and act later, but you will have to act eventually. My advice is this. More heart, less head. More fear, less worry. More growth, less stagnation. You are already part of something incredible. all you need to do is let go and experience it fully. But, whatever you do, don’t believe that you can wait until you don’t feel afraid. Because that day will never come.
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